What Is Gaslighting? Meaning, Examples, and Its Impact in Relationships
What Does Gaslighting Mean?
The Definition of Gaslighting
Bounce around the internet often enough, especially social media, and you’re sure to have heard the word “gaslighting” at least once or twice. However, is it more than just a buzzword; what does it actually mean? No, it’s not merely a buzzword. It’s actually a form of manipulation, only instead of happening just once, it is a long-term form of manipulation, taking place over months if not years.
It relies on using lying and denials of truth to manipulate the other person, controlling them and isolating them from friends and family in the process. While it’s most common in romantic relationships, it can also occur at the workplace, or even within society at large.
You can usually identify it by the common gaslighting phrases that you’ll hear the perpetrator say. While phrases like, “This is your own fault,” “You’re not perfect, either,” and “I don’t know what to say to you,” can almost seem innocent at first—although typically rude—when done often enough, they can constitute gaslighting.
After all, gaslighting is not an overnight process. The process can take lots of time—even years. Gaslighting works similarly. If the person who is being gaslit might not realize it immediately—after all. They’ll just look back at their life sometime in the future, and be able to recognize the signs—maybe with the help of a friend or with a skilled counselor, like the ones here at Serenity Space Therapy.
Origins and History of Gaslighting
People have been manipulating other people all throughout history, even if the term “gaslighting” has only entered the wider vernacular over the past few years. The gaslighting origin goes back to the thirties, specifically in a British play called Gas Light—although, technically, it’s better known today from the 1944 American remake of this place: Gaslight.
The title of the film and play both take their inspiration from physical gas lights. In it, a husband continuously dims the gas lights in the home of him and his wife. She notices, but when she calls him on it, he shrugs it off, saying it’s all in her head—and that’s where “gaslighting” got its name. However, gaslighting as a concept—before the term was coined—dates back much further than that.
You’ll see gaslighting especially in romantic relationships, but that’s not the only place. It can also be found in workplaces and society as a whole. Even governments have been known to gaslight their people through propaganda.
Who Does Gaslighting and Why
Truth be told, anyone can engage in gaslighting behavior, either deliberately or intentionally. While a career gaslighter will be in it for the long game, other people may accidentally gaslight someone over something simple that they’re embarrassed about, like letting their temper get the better of them while in public.
Career gaslighters are typically also sociopaths, narcissists, or habitual manipulators, where, for them, it’s a method of control while also allowing them to avoid any accountability for what they do—and while they’re at it, they can use gaslighting to hide their insecurities.
Gaslighting behavior can also scale depending on the person who’s engaging in it, but when you begin to recognize when it’s happening to you or someone you know, you can start to help yourself or someone else counter that behavior.
What Are the 4 Types of Gaslighting?
You can break gaslighting down into four primary categories:
Manipulative lies: These falsehoods distort reality and confuse the victim as they question their own version of events. This can include smaller lies as well as outright denying that an event happened.
Projection: When this happens, the gaslighter tries to pass off their feelings as belonging to someone else. To give a quick example, if the person gaslighting is jealous over their partner’s behavior, they’ll try to frame it like the other person is being jealous by calling out their jealousy.
Deflection: While deflection and projection have a lot in common, they’ve got some notable differences, too. Deflection revolves around the concerted effort to divert attention away from the gaslighter’s actions. Instead, they’ll blame another person, especially their partner. If they’ve done something rude, they’ll say, “You’re just overreacting. Stop being so sensitive.”
Belittling: Lastly, a gaslighter will constantly try to undermine the confidence of the other person or people through sarcasm, ridicule, or dismissive comments. Doing so allows the gaslighter to maintain control. While many people may occasionally use these conversation tactics during arguments or disagreements, if someone is doing them habitually, it might indicate a concerted effort to gaslight.
From these four types of gaslighting, you can find your way to just about any gaslighting situation, and once you realize the many tactics at a gaslighter’s disposal, the result can be overwhelming. That’s why Serenity Space Therapy is here to help guide you to recover—or help you cope with a friend or loved one who has been gaslit.
What Does Gaslighting Look Like? Real Examples
Though at its core, the tactics for gaslighting are similar across different areas of life, it can vary depending on the specific relationship, from romantic partners to marriages to coworkers. So, let’s dive into a few broad examples to help you recognize when gaslighting might be occurring in your life.
Examples of Gaslighting in Relationships
When gaslighting in a relationship occurs, the perpetrator engages in these manipulative tactics primarily to maintain control over the victim. Often, they can see themselves doing very little wrong, so it must always be the fault of the other person. They will usually start with small lies and manipulation, such as the example in the film Gaslight, but they can escalate.
Often, a gaslighter will lie about the victim to their friends and coworkers to isolate and exert more control. They will also typically lie about the things the victim does or doesn’t do, eventually isolating and disconnecting them from their friends and coworkers.
Gaslighting in Marriage
In a marriage, gaslighting can be even deeper and more complex than in the above relationship examples, considering how closely interconnected the two lives are, both emotionally, financially, and in other ways. A spouse engaging in gaslighting might deny clear evidence of infidelity, saying, “You’re paranoid; stop accusing me of things I haven’t done,” while also lying about how they spent money. This tactic not only diverts attention from their behavior but leaves the victim feeling irrational for questioning them.
Over time, these gaslighting actions erode the trust between the married couple.
Workplace Gaslighting Examples
Gaslighting at work involves bosses or coworkers leveraging these tactics to gain an advantage. A manager might claim they never assigned a task, even if the employee has written proof, saying, “You must have misunderstood me.” When gaslighting in the workplace occurs over a long period of time, the victim will eventually stop believing in their own autonomy and skills, thinking they can’t get anything right without the manager/coworker’s help.
One common example is one coworker spreading rumors about another’s inability to do their job. With time, this group gaslighting may begin to alter everyone’s perception of the victim, believing that they aren’t good at their job or worthy of a promotion.
Gaslighting in Families
For families, gaslighting may involve parents denying events from a child’s upbringing or siblings manipulating each other to gain favor. For instance:
● A parent might deny making hurtful comments, claiming, “I never said that.”
● A sibling may lie about who did something so that the other sibling, or the family dog, would be the one to get into trouble.
While these are not issues done a problem when they happen once in a while, they can lead to a lasting imprint in the form of emotional scars when they become habitual.
No matter the type of gaslighting, from relationships to the workplace, Serenity Space Therapy’s skilled therapists will guide you in learning the hallmarks of narcissist gaslighting so that you can recognize it in your life.
How to Recognize and Respond to Gaslighting
If you’re wondering how to respond to gaslighting, you’re not alone, as it can be hard to notice, especially when it first begins. Understanding the signs and impact can make addressing gaslighting infinitely easier. Let’s discuss how to identify it, its effects on mental health, and ways to protect yourself.
Signs You’re Being Gaslighted
The worst thing about gaslighting is just how slow the process is. Often, you might not even notice it at first. That’s why being able to recognize the signs is so exceedingly important—only then can you try to free yourself from this repeating cycle.
● You experience a lot of self-doubt.
● You’ve been isolated from friends or family.
● You find yourself needing to often apologize.
● Situations and events don’t line up with your memory, causing confusion and disorientation.
Ultimately, if you’re in a relationship, especially a romantic one, you should feel seen, heard, and respected—and gaslighting typically robs you of all of that.
Impact of Gaslighting on Mental Health
As you can probably imagine, given the significant manipulation inherent to gaslighting, these tactics can significantly impact the mental health of the victim.
Understandably, being subjected to gaslighting can increase levels of stress and anxiety, which will come with the territory when you (and the person gaslighting you) question everything you do.
Slowly, your self-esteem will deteriorate due to the constant undermining of your confidence as the gaslighter slowly eats away at you over months and years. All the while, the gaslighting will leave you utterly emotionally exhausted as these manipulative tactics leave you constantly grasping for validation while needing to also constantly defend yourself.
Ultimately, if gaslighting goes on for long enough, and is severe enough, it will leave you with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as you become conditioned to the gaslighter’s behavior and begin to react out of stress.
Steps to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting
While gaslighting can be slow, insidious, and difficult to recognize when it begins, there are a few steps you can take to help protect yourself.
Create evidence: If you begin to feel like someone’s story—either a significant other or a coworker—has begun not to line up with your recollections, you can begin to document your interactions, either take detailed notes to catch any inconsistencies, or snap pictures where you can.
Confide in a friend or therapist: An outside source can be an excellent way to remain grounded in the truth of many situations, either by talking to trusted friends or family—or a therapist like the talented team at Serenity Space Therapy.
Set clear boundaries: Firmly communicate what is acceptable behavior. If you feel dismissed or invalidated, be sure to declare firmly that this is not acceptable behavior and that your voice must be heard.
Take care of yourself: It can understandably be difficult to think about yourself when you’re constantly under emotional attack from a gaslighter, but focusing on anything that brings you happiness is a great step to take, from exercise to hobbies.
Seek education: Naturally, the more you learn about it, the better you’ll be able to recognize the signs of gaslighting when and if it happens to you, so research how these manipulative tactics occur.
You can also protect yourself with a few phrases to shut down gaslighting, such as:
● “I know what I experienced, and I won’t let you tell me otherwise.”
● “We remember this situation differently, but I trust my memory.”
● “I’m not going to argue about what I know to be true.”
● “If you continue to dismiss my feelings, this conversation is over.”
● “I don’t need your validation to trust myself.”
These responses can deflect gaslighting and restore your self-control. If you need further support, Serenity Space Therapy will help you develop the confidence and strategies to stand strong against manipulation.
Preventing and Addressing Gaslighting
While you can’t necessarily prevent someone from gaslighting you—you typically won’t see it coming—you can prevent yourself from falling victim to these tactics.
Recognizing the Signs Early
Gaslighting behavior can be subtle to spot, so it’s a good idea to brush up on what shape the early signs might take. Firstly, manipulation is the name of the game, and when done subtly, it can be confusing. You’ll be able to instinctually tell that something is wrong, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it. They’ll react strangely to what you do or say, or try to get you to take pity on them with gaslighting phrases like “You’re too good for me,” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Beyond that, expect lots of inconsistencies in what they say or do—many of which might also be confusing. If it seems like they’re acting one way but saying something else, it can indicate attempts at gaslighting.
How to Support Someone Experiencing Gaslighting
For anyone who is experiencing gaslighting, a support system can be hugely beneficial. After all, a gaslighter’s ultimate goal is to isolate the person and exert control over them. So, it’s important to be there for that person, genuinely listening to them and showing no judgment. Don’t try to push them to get help unless they make the first move.
It’s also important to avoid confronting the gaslighter themselves. Doing so will serve to only escalate the situation.
Conclusion
Gaslighting is an extreme form of emotional abuse, so if you or anyone you know might be experiencing it, getting help can be paramount. Serenity Space Therapy is here to guide those subjected to this form of manipulation to recovery and to help unravel this cycle of abuse.
FAQs
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Arguments with gaslighters are really troublesome; they will deflect everything from themselves and blame it all on the other person, rather than accepting or showing remorse for what they say or do, be it repeatedly projecting what they feel upon others or making it look like everything is alright with them.
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When it first happens, it can be confusing. The gaslighter’s actions and words won’t seem to fit together. Most people see the early attempts at gaslighting, so it’s important not to jump to conclusions, but keep your wits about you.
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Once you’ve done some research and can recognize when gaslighting’s happening to you, you’re now positioned to stop this behavior. The best way to do that is to simply stand your ground, point out every incident, and then confront the behavior—even if it means cutting off ties.
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Gaslighting has its roots in manipulation, which has pretty much everything in common with manipulation; in other words, manipulation sometimes happens just once, but gaslighting is such a slow process over a long time that it will gradually work on the victim’s perception of the world.
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Despite both being forms of manipulation, the two are distinctly different. Gaslighting is a long-term effort to control and isolate another person, while guilt-tripping involves controlling a person’s behavior by manipulating their emotions.
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It’s inspired by a 1938 British play Gas Light—as well as the 1944 American movie remake, Gaslight. In the movie, a husband gaslights his wife by insisting that she’s imagining him dimming the lights in their home.