What Causes Codependency: Childhood Experiences and Their Impact on Adult Relationships
Codependency, or relationship addiction, is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where one individual assumes the giver's role and sacrifices their needs and well-being for the sake of the other partner, i.e. the taker.
Codependency happens in romantic relationships, but it’s also seen between a parent and a child, in families, or among friends. The giver is often filled with an overwhelming desire to maintain the toxic relationship, often at a significant personal sacrifice, leading to unhealthy dynamics.
Our Childhood Experiences
Psychology experts who acknowledge the codependency theory believe that codependent relationships are rooted in childhood. Indeed, childhood shapes one’s beliefs, needs, coping mechanisms, and relationships. Recognizing the origins of codependency may help individuals break ineffective patterns and build healthier relationships.
Children rely on caregivers to meet their emotional needs. From learning how to relate to others and manage emotions to establishing self-worth, children are likelier to develop balanced relationships in adulthood if their core needs are met with support, trust, and compassion.
Children who have been emotionally neglected and excessively controlled or protected have a higher risk of codependent behavior, low self-worth, and lack of self-confidence. Their adult relationships mirror their earlier dynamics: the constant pursuit of external validation.
The Childhood Experiences Causing Toxic, Codependent Relationships
Codependency develops as a response to traumatic experiences or dysfunctional family dynamics. Childhood trauma like abuse, neglect, or abandonment can cause long-lasting emotional scars and increase the risk of codependency in adulthood. Individuals who survived trauma may believe it’s their responsibility to ensure others’ happiness and well-being.
Unraveling the roots of codependency can help adults understand how their previous experiences affect their current behaviors. Self-awareness is the key to healing and growth, so let’s explore some of the formative childhood experiences that increase the risk of codependency:
● Overprotective parents
Overprotective parents can cause children to struggle with their self-reliance and autonomy. This dependency may persist into adulthood and extend into relationships where the codependent individual can’t make important decisions without their partner’s approval or opinion.
● Emotional neglect
Adults who feel a constant sense of emptiness, often the result of emotional neglect in childhood, tend to seek fulfillment through their friendships, romantic relationships, or elsewhere. They may struggle with fear of abandonment and feelings of inadequacy, which increases their risk of staying in codependent, toxic relationships.
● Lack of boundaries
Children who grew up in households where boundaries didn’t exist or were inconsistent may be unable to establish clear boundaries for themselves. In adulthood, they often struggle with asserting their needs and tolerate disrespect and boundary violations, potentially leading to codependent, toxic relationships.
● Excessive control and criticism
Children who experience excessive control and harsh criticism from their parents or caregivers may struggle with poor self-esteem, causing them to look for approval and validation from others. They often become people pleasers, and, their self-worth is closely tied to how well they can meet others’ expectations and needs.
The Impact of Unmet Needs in Childhood
From birth, we have five core needs; a safe, secure relationship with loved ones; acceptance that it’s okay to be imperfect and make mistakes; freedom to express feelings and needs; access to a healthy, loving discipline and structure, and the liberty to express creativity, spontaneity, and joy.
As children grow up, it is the responsibility of parents and caregivers to validate these needs. Depending on how well these needs are met, children develop a specific worldview and coping mechanisms to handle pressure, neglect, and unmet expectations. These coping schemas serve as defense mechanisms to protect us from painful emotions or vulnerability.
Adults with unmet core needs often experience “emotional hunger” and struggle to maintain healthy relationships. They remain in toxic relationships, constantly attempting to fill emotional gaps. These gaps often lead to codependent behavior that can be identified by the following traits:
● Need for external validation.
Children whose autonomy is discouraged often grow into adults who feel inadequate or unsure about their choices and need guidance and validation from their romantic partner, friend, or parent.
● Fear of abandonment.
Children who lack emotional intimacy and connection often become the adults haunted by a fear of abandonment, manifested through anxiety, people-pleasing, and difficulty letting go of toxic relationships.
● Setting boundaries.
Children who lack healthy boundaries often grow into adults in toxic relationships where they either sacrifice their own needs or accept mistreatment for the sake of the other person.
Codependency in Relationships
Codependent relationships involve a constant search for validation, emotional stability, or self-worth. Typically, they feature an imbalanced dynamic—one person is the fixer, while the other depends on them to have their emotional needs met.
This unhealthy behavior can cause burnout, resentment, and loss of self-identity for the codependent partner. Recognizing unhealthy patterns is the first step to thriving relationships. Then comes therapy—a transformative tool for regaining self-awareness, healing, and growth.
Recognizing Codependency through Therapy
Acknowledging that something is wrong is the first step toward healing. Many of our clients struggle to distinguish their own needs, emotions, and hopes from those of their partners, having suppressed their true selves to avoid conflict.
The lack of emotional boundaries contributes to poor communication, which prevents partners from experiencing genuine fulfillment. Serenity Space Therapy is your sanctuary for exploring these patterns. We specialize in helping clients restore their authenticity by letting go of unhealthy codependent behaviors such as enabling, over-giving, and people-pleasing.
Individualized Therapeutic Approaches
Every person’s codependency journey is unique, and so is our approach to codependency therapy. Our therapists and counselors, Alexandra Vaganova, Roman Lockshin, and Natalia Kuzmina, use tailored therapeutic methods to meet the specific needs of every single client.
By employing proven therapeutical methods like CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy), DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), and relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, hypnotherapy, and meditation, the team helps clients process their negative experiences, recognize patterns, and cultivate healthier relationships with themselves and others.
Empowering Through Knowledge
At Serenity Space Therapy, we emphasize the importance of education in overcoming codependency. We educate our clients about codependency and its dynamics, providing effective tools to help them to understand their actions. We unroot unhealthy behavior patterns and adopt proactive steps toward positive change, autonomy, and resilience.
How to Overcome Codependency
To help clients recover from codependency, we collaborate with them to address the emotional and behavioral aspects of their codependent patterns. We’re here to help you navigate on your journey toward greater self-esteem, healthier boundaries, and genuine connections.
Address Mental Health Concerns
Codependency often co-occurs with other mental health challenges, such as depression and anxiety. Addressing these conditions along with codependency helps clients develop healthy coping mechanisms and emotional regulation skills and build resilience.
Establish Healthy Boundaries
To break free from codependent patterns, establishing healthy boundaries is vital. At Serenity Space Therapy, we use science-based methods and assist clients in identifying their limits and regaining assertiveness. Boundaries protect your well-being and open up space for mutual respect in relationships.
Overcome the ‘People-Pleaser’ Syndrome
A codependent individual struggles with a constant need to please others, often sacrificing their own well-being, also known as people-pleaser syndrome. Therapy helps clients recognize this pattern and nurture their self-worth, which is independent of external validation. This is achieved through prioritizing self-expression and their own needs.
Nurture Autonomy and Self-Reliance
To heal and grow, codependent individuals need to restore their self-reliance and autonomy. At Serenity Space Therapy, we use science-based methods to guide clients in building confidence and making decisions that align with their goals and values. Independence and self-sufficiency are crucial for balanced, fulfilled relationships.
Cultivate Emotional Intimacy and Connection
Vulnerability and mutual trust are the cornerstones of true intimacy and deep connection. Allow our therapists to help you find effective ways to develop meaningful connections and foster bonds rooted in equality and respect instead of dependency.
Revisit and Reconstruct Early Experiences
To heal from codependency, reconstructing and revisiting the narratives from your early childhood experiences is vital. Together, we will explore your inner child’s unmet needs so you can reframe your past and learn how to fulfill those needs independently.
Therapy: A Pillar for Resolving Codependency
Personalized therapy available at Serenity Space Therapy can be a game changer for people in codependent relationships. Using specific therapeutical interventions, our team will clear the path for healing and growth by unraveling the complex dynamics of unhealthy relationship patterns.
Unearthing Root Causes
Identifying the cause of a problem is vital for overcoming it. Many of our clients who seek help for codependency issues have childhood trauma and unmet emotional needs. By helping them understand the impact of these formative events on their current relationships, we pave the way for meaningful transformation.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)
Through CBT, we guide clients to identify and challenge negative thought patterns that motivate unhealthy behaviors. By reprogramming these patterns, clients gain a new perspective on themselves and their relationships. We also provide tools to disrupt self-doubt and over-dependence, fostering meaningful interactions with others.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
DBT equips clients with valuable skills to navigate the emotional intensity of codependent relationships. It enhances emotional regulation, betters distress tolerance, and encourages interpersonal effectiveness. Together, we will focus on setting boundaries, managing overwhelming emotions, and mastering the clear communication of your needs, while fostering self-acceptance and a sense of balance.
Narrative Therapy
We use narrative therapy to help clients reshape their life stories and break free from the limiting past narratives of unworthiness. This approach helps clients redefine their identity, apart from their codependent traits. We empower you to regain your strength and form a new vision for a healthier future.
Attachment-Based Therapy
We use attachment-based therapy to explore the role of the client’s attachment in relationships. When the client gains a deeper understanding of their early attachment experiences and how they’ve shaped their behaviors as an adult, they achieve valuable, transformative insight and awareness, enabling them to build safer and more balanced connections.
Empowerment and Autonomy
At Serenity Space Therapy, we foster empowerment and autonomy in our clients to help them rediscover their self-worth, become more self-compassionate, and embrace their innate worth. Clients are reminded that they are not defined by their relationships and that prioritizing their needs and values is vital for cultivating mutually supportive relationships.
Enhancing Communication Skills
Setting healthy boundaries is essential for maintaining strong and balanced relationships. Therapy helps clients identify their needs and explores ways to communicate and establish boundaries. This ensures that an individual’s emotional well-being is no longer overshadowed by their partner’s needs. In couples therapy, we make sure that mutual respect becomes a priority.
Strengthening Self-Esteem
Codependent individuals often struggle with low self-esteem. At Serenity Space Therapy, we guide clients through regaining their confidence and self-worth, empowering them to prioritize their needs without relying on external validation. Our therapists help individuals and couples build a protective barrier against unhealthy relational patterns.
Holistic Approach
Traditional therapy doesn’t always suffice to fully heal from codependency. Our team incorporates effective holistic practices for relaxation and emotional balance, such as hypnotherapy, mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing. We nurture our clients’ mind-body connection, helping them better understand themselves, their needs, and their relationships with others.
Overcoming Codependency with Serenity Space Therapy
If you’re struggling with people-pleasing, codependency, perfectionism, anxiety, or depression, we want you to know that there is hope.
At Serenity Space Therapy, our team of experts, including Alexandra Vaganova, a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializes in identifying and addressing childhood trauma that keeps people stuck in vicious cycles.
We work step by step to help clients transform codependent patterns and rebuild their relationships on a healthy foundation of mutual respect, emotional well-being, and independence. It’s never too late to reclaim a sense of self-worth and live a more fulfilled life. Reach out today!
FAQs
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Codependency, or relationship addiction, is a maladaptive relationship pattern where one individual takes on the role of the giver, sacrificing their own well-being and needs for the sake of the other partner, the taker. The giver’s self-worth is often tied to external validation, particularly from the taker.
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Codependency often develops as a response to childhood trauma or dysfunctional family dynamics. Experiences such as abuse, neglect, or abandonment during formative years can cause long-lasting emotional scars, leading trauma survivors to believe it is their responsibility to ensure the other’s happiness and well-being.
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Traditional therapy and holistic therapy methods available at Serenity Space Therapy are highly beneficial to overcoming codependency. We also specialize in supporting individuals struggling with people-pleasing, anxiety, depression, and the aftermath of narcissistic abuse.
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Codependency commonly happens in romantic relationships, but is also observed in other types of connections, such as between a parent and a child, among family members, or friends. The giver often feels an overwhelming need to maintain a toxic relationship relying on external validation for self-worth, which creates maladaptive dynamics.
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Over time, codependency can cause the giver to experience burnout, loss of identity, and spiral into a vicious cycle of unhealthy attachment patterns. This occurs when their needs, values, and dreams are overshadowed by the taker, while low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth prevent them from prioritizing their well-being.