Couples Therapy: Exploring a Bid for connection.
What is a bid for connection?
Imagine you came home from work and began to tell your partner everything that happened to you today, and suddenly they let out an exasperated sigh. At that moment, you have a choice: keep going about your day or pause and ask about what’s on their mind.
These small, daily contacts may seem insignificant. But they are crucial for your relationship. If you ignore them, over time, your relationship will struggle. If you want to make your connection stronger, I invite you to accept this bid for connection by asking your partner questions, listening, or nodding.
How to make a better bid?
Some bids are more transparent and easier to understand than others. Unfortunately, many people have difficulty reading non-verbal cues like a smile, a sigh, or other subtle hints. No one, including your partner, can read your mind. One of the best solutions in delivering your message is to verbalize your bids in a way your partner understands. For example, ask them, “My day was pretty rough at work. Can I tell you about it?”
Use a positive “wrap” to convey your message.
It is always helpful to pause for a moment and try to identify your real emotions. For example, you feel frustrated that your partner does not spend time with you because they work long hours. Your immediate automatic response to this frustration would be a critical statement such as: “You never spend time with me.” This statement will create a disconnect or a conflict; no one likes to be criticized. However, if you think of your needs, you probably discover that, in reality, you miss your partner, and you only want to spend some time with them. So, as an alternative, a positive statement would be: “I miss you. It’s been a while since we had lunch together. Are you free next Sunday?”
Can you help your partner to verbalize what they need?
The answer is “yes.” If you notice your partner is trying to say something using a nonverbal hint (body language, intonation, a “fuzzy” suggestion), help them to express their need by asking clarifying questions.
If you feel that you and your partner are ready to benefit from couples therapy, schedule a free consultation with me so we can see if we'd be a great fit to work together. I provide couples counseling via Telehealth for Florida residents.